denouement

this is the end for this blog.  i want to write what i want to say and i can't do that anymore in this blog.

jenn and i are finished for now.  she called off our little agreement.  good.  i want to get fucked up whenever i want.  being sober is far too fucking difficult these days.

i'm also going to start writing.  if i can't experience anything true or beautiful in this world, i'll at least write about it.

this is the end, my friends.  if you want the address to my new blog, leave a comment and your email address.

bored

i'm so bored.  no one's on.  all i have to do is sit on irc and watch tv.  whee.

so

i got extremely suicidal earlier.  i had to call my mom home from work, i was that bad.  i feel guilty about it, but i really really needed someone.

i just felt so fucking worthless.  i don't know what's wrong with me.  i don't know why no one cares.  but i know i deserve better.  i know i'll find someone who can give me what i deserve someday.

i was lying in bed and imagined her next to me..her being the girl out there who's going to treat me like i deserve.  it felt like she was next to me, and i swear to god i could hear her talking to me.  i don't know if it was a vision, wishful thinking, or a hallucination brought on by the alprazolam i took.  but it was comforting.  sometimes that's the only help..the thought that she's out there somewhere, crying just as hard as me because she needs me.  someday i'll find her.  and then everything will be all right.

WHY

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME?  GOD.

im going to cut myself and drink now.

addiction

i can't stand being away from her.  no matter how cruel she is to me..no matter how cold she acts toward me..no matter what, i simply can't stand being away from her.

being addicted to someone like this is torture.  i can't fucking help myself, and that's more frustrating than i can possibly express here.  why can't she just be nice to me?  that would solve so many problems.

and why can't anyone care about me?  again, i sit here with open arms, waiting for anyone to care, but no one does.  i'm at a point where i'll give myself to anyone.  i just need someone.